Tough; And Tougher. k/3

It only gets worse from here. Life sucks. I'm sick of it and I hate how it's never getting any better. It's a shared fault that is causing this. From a few slipping grades to people and life situations, everything is just going downhill. I want to stop it, grab everything and trudge back up the hill, but I hesitated too long and now everything is broken and scattered at the bottom. And I am apart of this broken scattered mess. You can't stop life once it's on a roll, and now I understand that...now when it's too late.

Mom's gone. She's with G-ma who needs her dearly and I miss them both so much. I want my mom to be with me right now, but I know G-ma needs her more than I do. It hurts to be so far away from her for so long. Never in my life has this ever happened to me. For the first time in awhile, I broke down and couldn't take it anymore. I want her home so bad. I want her to be here to tell me to do my homework, to take my to school in the morning and pick me up and to just be here to be my mom. I thought I was strong, hiding what I truly feel deep inside, smiling fake smiles, keeping my feels contained. But clearly, I'm not strong.

Grades grades grades. Expectations. Standards. Success. The things that shaped my education and life. Never have I been so helpless against it. I'm pushed to my limits with the things I have to do and I'm honestly really scared. I want to do good, I want to succeed but I guess I have to over come my comfort zone to do this. I don't know if I can, I really hope I do, cause this can determine my life. I need to control myself, limit my free time for myself, since mom isn't here to help me along anymore.

People. Friends. Acquaintances. Peers. Teachers. Leaders. A wonderful trust system. Until it crashes and burns from distrust. Trust is a two way street. It's not a one way street. And FYI life doesn't revolve around one person. We revolve around life. I know I'm generally nice, but push me over the edge and I'll hold on dearly for your life. If I let go, you're done. I hate it. I don't understand, what am I to everyone? A tool? A friend for only when needed? Someone to bash? A person to use and just throw away? I know, I don't know how the fuck to say no. But trust me, I'm going to fucking learn. Even if it kills me. I can't let all of you people push me around, only I can push myself around. Sorry if I've been a bitch, but life's not perfect for everyone and right now, life is horrible for me.

Every part of me is hurting. My heart, my mind, my soul, my body. Even my eyes are hurt and tired. But along with everything else, it's my fault that I am so torn by life. I should of been stronger, I should of been able to take all of this. Am I breaking down? Or is everything escalating? I don't know but what I do know is that I'm worn out; mentally, physically and spiritually. I can't believe I let myself become like this. I can't believe that I didn't let anyone in to help me go through this. It's much too late now. I don't know why, but I can't seem to let anyone come to a heart to heart level with me. Maybe it's because I'm scared, maybe it's because I don't think anyone will understand. Regardless, now I am on my own to deal with myself. I'm sure I can get through this, I know I will. I just don't know when.

It gets tough from here. I know it. But what goes down, must come back up right? I know I'm ranting, I know I'm bitching but at least I let some things out. Now I have a bit less to deal with. So lets just say end of negative post and hope the next one will be the total opposite. k/3

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong, so you can appreciate them, when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."
- Unknown. (I wish I was like this person.)