Tough; And Tougher. k/3

It only gets worse from here. Life sucks. I'm sick of it and I hate how it's never getting any better. It's a shared fault that is causing this. From a few slipping grades to people and life situations, everything is just going downhill. I want to stop it, grab everything and trudge back up the hill, but I hesitated too long and now everything is broken and scattered at the bottom. And I am apart of this broken scattered mess. You can't stop life once it's on a roll, and now I understand that...now when it's too late.

Mom's gone. She's with G-ma who needs her dearly and I miss them both so much. I want my mom to be with me right now, but I know G-ma needs her more than I do. It hurts to be so far away from her for so long. Never in my life has this ever happened to me. For the first time in awhile, I broke down and couldn't take it anymore. I want her home so bad. I want her to be here to tell me to do my homework, to take my to school in the morning and pick me up and to just be here to be my mom. I thought I was strong, hiding what I truly feel deep inside, smiling fake smiles, keeping my feels contained. But clearly, I'm not strong.

Grades grades grades. Expectations. Standards. Success. The things that shaped my education and life. Never have I been so helpless against it. I'm pushed to my limits with the things I have to do and I'm honestly really scared. I want to do good, I want to succeed but I guess I have to over come my comfort zone to do this. I don't know if I can, I really hope I do, cause this can determine my life. I need to control myself, limit my free time for myself, since mom isn't here to help me along anymore.

People. Friends. Acquaintances. Peers. Teachers. Leaders. A wonderful trust system. Until it crashes and burns from distrust. Trust is a two way street. It's not a one way street. And FYI life doesn't revolve around one person. We revolve around life. I know I'm generally nice, but push me over the edge and I'll hold on dearly for your life. If I let go, you're done. I hate it. I don't understand, what am I to everyone? A tool? A friend for only when needed? Someone to bash? A person to use and just throw away? I know, I don't know how the fuck to say no. But trust me, I'm going to fucking learn. Even if it kills me. I can't let all of you people push me around, only I can push myself around. Sorry if I've been a bitch, but life's not perfect for everyone and right now, life is horrible for me.

Every part of me is hurting. My heart, my mind, my soul, my body. Even my eyes are hurt and tired. But along with everything else, it's my fault that I am so torn by life. I should of been stronger, I should of been able to take all of this. Am I breaking down? Or is everything escalating? I don't know but what I do know is that I'm worn out; mentally, physically and spiritually. I can't believe I let myself become like this. I can't believe that I didn't let anyone in to help me go through this. It's much too late now. I don't know why, but I can't seem to let anyone come to a heart to heart level with me. Maybe it's because I'm scared, maybe it's because I don't think anyone will understand. Regardless, now I am on my own to deal with myself. I'm sure I can get through this, I know I will. I just don't know when.

It gets tough from here. I know it. But what goes down, must come back up right? I know I'm ranting, I know I'm bitching but at least I let some things out. Now I have a bit less to deal with. So lets just say end of negative post and hope the next one will be the total opposite. k/3

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong, so you can appreciate them, when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."
- Unknown. (I wish I was like this person.)

Just How I Feel; Just Who I Am. k3

Wow. It's been awhile. My last post was about school coming back from break and this post is about break coming back from school. Lots have happened over this time period, many good and many bad. There's officially no you in mind now, that's for one. It's good and bad at the same time, but for now, I actually like it. I like the way how things roll between friends and I now that everything is in a new light. More friends, closer friends is all I really want. Someone who I can trust to help me up when I fall, to protect me when I'm scared and to just be real with me. Though things are going oh so very well between me and some people, there are also bad things. Friends hurting each other and not realizing. I hate it. It hurts me to see it and it hurts me to feel it. It sucks and I don't understand...I just hope thing settle themselves out over time.

I don't quite understand how some people can be so ignorant. They make it seem like they're the victim but the truth is, they put themselves in that situation and just complain once something happens. Like STFU. I know I absolutely hate being mean but I can only take shit for so long. Ranting at me, bragging whatever. I don't want to take it anymore. Just forgive and forget and leave it at that. Constantly talking behind people's backs aren't going to do shit. End of swearing/being mean paragraph. (I just HAD to get it out of me.)

Friends friends friends. I can't live without you. There's not a day that I don't wonder what's going to happen next without you guys. I always have so much fun with not a single worry when I'm with you guys at times, but sometimes it may be quite stressful too. But through thick and thin I know I'll have at least one person that will remain in my life together...hopefully more than one because I know that many friendships will last for over. It's just I know there's one for sure, cause if not...that will be quite sad. But there's already that special one that has been here since forever so I know that the future holds everlasting friendships. I hope everyone has a great Olympic Break and hope to see some of you soon. k3

"Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them, but you know they're always there." - Unknown.

A New Begining; A Brand New Start. k3

I'm finally able to blog again! Stupid site wouldn't let me log on for the past month or so, but now it's working and now I'm back. So uhm, Merry Late Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. It's finally here; 2010. A new year, another added year to my age and a fresh start in an old place. It has been quite a winter break this year, started off terrible and became better as it progressed. The week of Christmas was very rough, but things got better from Christmas day and on, all the way up to New Years, my birthday. It was amazing and it was so much fun. I'm very thankful for all the gifts, but especially thankful for those who celebrated my birthday with me. It wouldn't of been so fun without you guys.

I'm actually excited for school tomorrow. I can't wait so see everyone again, I missed you all so much! But I especially miss one special face that's been missing from my mind all these weeks. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. It's kind of odd and weird but I have completely moved on from 'him' and now I have a new 'you.' So just to get it straight, I can't wait to see you tomorrow. We'll I'm tired. Time to go do some homework for tomorrow. Post more later? But I'll leave off with 2010: a new beginning and a brand new start. k3

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Unknown.

Healing Heart; Remedy. k3

A new me, a new you and an almost new heart. I'm so glad I'm moving on and that we're still friends. There's a new person stepping into the picture, but I'm unsure of how I feel for him. All I want now is to move on from you and have a fresh start with a new heart. I'll still be the same with you, but I just won't have those extra feelings. I'm glad they're off my hands now. I don't have much time to blog nowadays. I'll try to post more...maybe. But I'll end today off knowing that I have a healing heart and the remedy to fix it. k3

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." -Unknown.

Moving On; I Think. k3

I can't believe it. Half of me doesn't want to believe it. But I think I'm actually moving on from my crush on you. Slowly; bit by bit I'm only thinking of you as a good friend, not a boyfriend anymore. I'm relieved that I am finally able to let that part of me go, it was useless; all it did was hurt me. I don't want anything to change between us when these feelings die. I hope we remain the same because I'll always need you by my side. I came to you in my time of need and you were always there to cheer me up and make me feel better. I've opened my eyes and became aware of everything around me, from moving onto you, I'm seeing new people; who have always treated me nicely and I never thought of giving them a chance.

Well I finally inched closer to figuring out our strange terms. We're on good terms as of this moment. I think you finally understand that sometimes things you say hurt a lot, cause you're calming down on your words. We're hardly on bad terms now but I still do wish we spent more time together, as friends. I know we've tried to have time together, but it always gets interrupted. It frustrates me but we just got to keep trying. We can't possible scale things off to MSN or a couple minute conversations before others come around.

I still can't believe that I'm moving on, but I'm now seeing a new person in a particular light. I'm 100% sure about my feelings for him, but who knows. I'll give it time to figure everything out. I'm curious to tell you about this, maybe I will. I've actually stopped thinking about you more and now I'm aware of the things happening. I think this chance is for the best, give it time and the change will be complete. At this moment, I'm moving on...I think. k3

"It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does." -Unknown.

Good Terms; Bad Terms. k3

Me and you...it seems like a smaller idea now. It's not as big and you aren't as big to me like before. Those stupid feelings are still here, but they're slowly fading. I'm so confused about the relationship we have; I know we'll always be friends but we're constantly either on good terms or bad terms. And sometimes it's more bad terms and it's usually for stupid reasons. I know I don't mind much about anything but sometimes, you take things so far. It may seem amusing to you and at times me, but everything gets old after awhile. I wish you'd stop acting strange and getting mad for random reasons. You're confusing me and hurting me and it's not fun at all.

Looking around, I've realized that love is in the air. But why can't a snag a gasp of it? Ugh. It's frustrating because my focus has been on you this whole time, I was oblivious to everyone around me. It's difficult, it's hard but it's just how I feel. I wish I had realized this was going no where but I just didn't want to give up. We had our good terms today, talking, hanging out, laughing. It felt really good to be by your side like usual. But there were moments when your little words hurt me more than anything. I'm confused at what you said, unsure if it's what you want or that you're just kidding. I'm not sure of when you say that, if we're on good terms or bad. I'm so confused, but all I can do is wait and see what happens.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Been busy with jams, homework, sleep. But I'll continue on now, I hope there's a brighter day ahead tomorrow. But I really do need to figure out this odd good terms, bad terms thing going on between us. Please take it easy because you don't know how easily you can hurt me. I just want us to figure out where we are standing on; good terms or bad terms. k3

"Though I haven’t told you how much I care, how much you mean to me; it's not that I don’t value you now. But if you only knew how much fear I have in losing you, then you'll understand how much I care." -Unknown.

Painful; Hangover. k3

I still can't believe that I feel the same a yesterday. The pain hasn't increased or subsided yet. It hurts so bad and I wish it would go away. The feeling is horrible, it's like knowing you're going to die but not doing anything about it. I feel it at the pit of my stomach and most of all at the center of my heart. It sucks. It hurts, but I can't do anything to change it. I'll just have to wait for it to go away...which I hope it will eventually.

My heart can't wait around for yours forever. I know it will give up, I want it to give up. And now, every fault that you inflict on me has become huge. I use to ignore the mistakes you made, but now when I think about them, you aren't that great of a person to me anymore. I want to believe that you are not 'the one' and that there's someone else...but only if I would just let you go. You are a good, dear friend and I'll always think of you in that way. But the little extra part of me that wants to be more than friends, must be gone.

For once, I'm not excited to see you again after this weekend. I hope it continues on like this so I can breathe and think easier. But I still do feel this painful hangover because of my torn heart. k3

"It hurts like shit." -Unknown.