Painful; Hangover. k3

I still can't believe that I feel the same a yesterday. The pain hasn't increased or subsided yet. It hurts so bad and I wish it would go away. The feeling is horrible, it's like knowing you're going to die but not doing anything about it. I feel it at the pit of my stomach and most of all at the center of my heart. It sucks. It hurts, but I can't do anything to change it. I'll just have to wait for it to go away...which I hope it will eventually.

My heart can't wait around for yours forever. I know it will give up, I want it to give up. And now, every fault that you inflict on me has become huge. I use to ignore the mistakes you made, but now when I think about them, you aren't that great of a person to me anymore. I want to believe that you are not 'the one' and that there's someone else...but only if I would just let you go. You are a good, dear friend and I'll always think of you in that way. But the little extra part of me that wants to be more than friends, must be gone.

For once, I'm not excited to see you again after this weekend. I hope it continues on like this so I can breathe and think easier. But I still do feel this painful hangover because of my torn heart. k3

"It hurts like shit." -Unknown.

Why; Just Why. k3

Ugh. Why am I feeling this way? It feels painful and depressing. It comes from within my heart and spreads all over me. I hate this feeling but most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way because of you. It's all because of you and I don't want it to be anymore. I can't go on like this, thinking of you, wanting to be with you. Fuck. It's getting old, I need to get a grip and move on. I wish you knew how much it hurts when you like someone so much, always hoping they would like you back they just don't seem to show any interest. I hurts...a lot, trust me. So when you have a two way crush, take the opportunity because it's the best you can get. But when you have a one way crush, take the opportunity to recheck on reality and learn how to get a move on. No one wants to tear their hearts in two themselves, and I don't want to be doing that to myself anymore.

I thought we were cool. I thought we could inch closer to the idea of us together. But clearly there's no chance. I'm trying to fix all the bumps in our relationship as friends, trying to fix all of your mistakes but you take me for granted. You made another mistake and counted on me to fix it. I care for you and I thought you cared for me, but clearly you don't. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I just know it's tearing me down and I have to do something soon. Don't blame me because I know all these bad feelings are because of you, but I never blame you for them. I blame myself. I blame me for everything you do. But do you care and do the same thing for me? No. You don't. And you never will. You do care for others. The others that don't know you as well as I do. The ones that appeal to you in the stupidest ways are the ones to care for. And the ones that know and understand you, you don't give a shit about.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative about you. But I know I need to move on. This is the only way I can, and I intend on killing this stupid crush. I've killed many crushes before, but I know this one will be the hardest. We'll fix it for the best. As of this moment, I don't want to like you anymore and I hope that you won't draw me back towards you more that a friend again. Why, just why does this have to be? k3

"If you really love someone, set your heart free to them. If their heart comes back to you, it's yours. If not it wasn't meant to be." -Unknown.

All I Want; Is You. k3

Everything's back to normal now. I can't believe how flipped out and worried I was, when nothing even happened. Well...besides a strange amount of small communication for two days, nothing else went wrong. I've realized now that all I want is you, and I don't think I'm going to give up. Because every time there's something I want, I go for it with my all until I get it or...I give up. I have to tell you something, I really do. But I just need to find the right time to talk to you alone. I know you'll never abandon me in my time of need and there's something on my mind that I have to tell you about. When would be the right time to be with you?

I'm barely with you on these days, but we always do manage to talk and be with one another. Before I thought it was impossible but now it isn't because at times, it's not just me looking for you. Can't wait for tomorrow, for brighter days with happier hearts. I can't wait to spend more time with you, always wishing our time together was endless. I hope we don't get into any more arguments or end off in bad terms anymore, because it does break me in two. You're so cute, you're everything I want and I'll never want to lose you.

Guh. I'm going to cut this blog short. Stupid fucking french test to study for. But just to add in, I know I haven't talked about anyone else but you in this blog, but there's a message I have for a special someone someone: Like fuck. Seriously. Just leave me alone and stop bothering me. I don't give a fuck about what you want to say about others, because you're the same. Stop being so bi-polar and hating me one second and then liking me another. Geez. You piss the fuck out of me. Just chill out, or don't even talk to me. KayThanks. Back to blog. So yeah, I hope we have a better, brighter day tomorrow, me and you together because all I want is you. k3

"Sometimes when you're too caught up in other people, you forget about yourself." -Unknown.

Piecing It Back Together; Slowly. k3

Success! I'm sorry I've been such a depressed, emotional ball of a blogger for the past few days. I guess I was just over-reacting about losing you. But now I know I haven't, because we are still as we are, close friends. I'm glad things didn't change, because you know I'll always need you. I find you so adorable when we're together. Your cute oblivious self melts my heart. We'd talk, joke and just have fun when we're together. Though at times, I wished our time together lasted longer.

I thought my 'more than friends' feelings for you were fading away. I was happy for a bit, but you drew me back with that cute smile and funny personality. I just can't seem to let you go. How long am I going to be able to go on like this? I really do want something to happen, but I doubt anything will. I'm too afraid to tell you, although I do want you to know how I truly feel. I also want to know how you feel, but I don't want to rush anything and ruin our friendship. I guess I'll wait until I can't wait any longer.

I'm writing a new song. And I think it's about you. I don't really know how to express the true feelings I have for you. I have no clue on how many songs I've written, but I know a majority of them are about you. I wish I had the courage to let you read them, but I know I never will. You'll never know how I feel. You'll never know that every time we talk and end up arguing, it breaks my heart in two. And you'll never know that every night, I try to piece my heart together, hoping that one day it would be yours. k3

"Things break, but you just got to suck it up and fix them yourself." -Unknown.

It Hurts; So Bad. k3

I'm so hurt, I'm so torn from the way we've been acting towards one another. It's like we're drifting apart second by second. I don't want to lose you. All I want is to lose the more than close friends feelings I have for you. I don't want to lose you, I need you. You're my trusted friend and I don't know what I would do without you. You've helped me through thick and thin, I can't just lose you like this. It hurts to feel this way. I always have a bad feeling when things don't go well when we talk, and to be honest, I'm scared. I don't know what I would do without you, please hear me out, I don't want us to drift apart! Maybe it's just me, or it could be you. But I don't want to lose this friendship, I'll try my best to fix it and just hope you'll cooperate. Don't leave me, because I'm not ready to leave you. I want you to always be my friend no matter what.

I promise I will try my best tomorrow to fix everything because this feeling is tearing me apart, I can't take it anymore. It just hurts so bad to see our friendship growing apart. I don't even know why this is happening. Can we just please stop this? You have no clue how it's tearing me apart, even though you probably don't even care. Your friendship means a lot to me, and it hurts to just even think about losing it. I keep promising myself, that tomorrow is going to be a good day, but it hasn't yet. Please help me change that, I need you more than ever now and especially as a friend. If only I could tell you exactly how I feel.

You bring out the best and worst in me. Because of you; I can spend endless nights and days, writing songs and I can withstand majority of things, by thinking of you. But because of you; one small thing that goes wrong between us, will remain in me for along time, hurting me more and more, every time I remember it. I'm so lost and confused, I don't know what to do. I want to be with you and I don't at the same time. When we're apart, I miss you. But when we're close, our current lack of communication and care burns through my heart. I don't know what to do, or if I can do anything. All I want is to save this friendship and be like we were before. Because what we are now, it hurts me so bad. k3

"There are many types of pain; physical, mental, emotional, etc. But the one that hurts most is emotional pain from within the heart." -Unknown.

Disappointed; Maybe. k3

I was glad to see you again, my heart skipped a beat once I saw you. I missed you for so long and I was finally able to be with you again. But today wasn't as much as I hoped it to be. We barely spent time together, and I don't know why. I've missed you for so long, but for some reason my heart didn't want to go find you. I'm sad about this, but I'm slightly relieved too. Maybe my attraction to you is slowly fading away because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of waiting for your heart, I'm giving you all of me, but all you give is half of you in return. I can only wait for so long, and I think that just maybe, that the time has come.

I'm a bit disappointed because I'm afraid that we're fading away from each other. We are truly close friends and I trust you with everything I tell you. But I can see from today, that we slightly inched apart from each other. I'm scared, I don't want to lose you, I'll always want you with me. From us inching a bit apart, I find myself leaning onto other people, new close friendships are emerging. I'm afraid of change but maybe this is for the best. We can still be close friends, but I just want that attraction and like that I feel for you to fade away, if I would just let you go. Apart of me wants to, but another part of me wants to hold onto you. All I want is for this one way call to be hung up, since you clearly aren't going to pick up.

I'm sorry that I'm giving up. I'm sorry that I want to let go. Apart of me wants to hold on, but the wait is breaking me down. It's time to stop thinking that you are 'the one' and find someone else that makes me feel this way or even better. I'll still hold you close, but I'll try not to feel as much for you. I'm a bit disappointed in me and in you, but not that disappointed. It's a maybe, we'll see how things go between us. k3

"A girl can only hold on to one boy for so long. But when she holds on and never lets go, that's what you call true feelings; true love." -Unknown.

Weekend; Closure. k3

It's Sunday, the weekend's almost over. I can't wait for this night to pass and morning to come, just so I can see you again. You don't know how much I've missed you. But surprisingly today, I didn't think of you as much as I usually do. Maybe because it's the stress and anxiety building up.

Today was a pretty hectic day. Spent majority of it not in my own house. Was at St. Matt's for most of the day; playing music, sound checks, rehearsals and preformed. After that, I headed off to a famjam. It was fun until the end of the day, when I thought back at all that had happened. Drama ruins everything. It breaks down happiness and brings in hurt. I just hope things will lighten up from here, or tomorrow morning.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Though I do hope that you won't screw up on me again. I'm willing to give you a second chance, please don't spoil it. All I want from you is to care as much as I do; for you and everything else. And in the end, all I really want for this weekend and everything that has happened this week, is closure. k3

Thinking; Of You. k3

I miss you. I miss everything about you. I want to see you but I know I can't. I know everyone loves weekends but I surely don't. I want school to come around so I can see you again. Just a little glimpse will keep my heart beating fast. Every moment when there's nothing on my mind, you always come into view. I can't help but think about you. I wish you were with me now, just your presence near me will make me happy. I wish I can stop thinking of you, but I can't.

I fixed your mess and surprisingly, I'm not upset. If it were anyone else who did this, I would be furious. But I can never stay mad at you, I can never stay away from you. You always draw me in with everything about you. I'm helpless against you but I hope it doesn't last forever. I want to move on but my heart won't let go. So much time and so much effort I've spent on you. All the songs laying on my bed, just for you. All the lyrics in my head, just for you. But you don't realize what's going on. You're just your cute oblivious self, not knowing how I feel about you. I wish you knew, that I'm thinking of you. k3

Your Actions; Speak The Loudest. k3

Another day, another time. Once again I'm by your side breathless and helpless. You know the saying; "Actions speak louder than words." And to me, your actions speak the loudest. In my heart and in my mind, I can not deny that I feel this way. We may argue, we may make each other angry, but in the end we're always JUST friends. I can never stay mad or disappointed in you, even though at times your actions hurt me more than anything. I'm cleaning up your mess, I'm fixing what you've done, yet my actions seem to just skim past you, never realizing what I've done for you and how much I care about you.

You don't know that every time we're together, my heart skips a beat. You don't know that every time we touch, my mind goes running on; about a chance of us together. You don't know that every time we hug and hold hands, I want to hold onto you forever, not wanting to let go or lose you to anyone else. You don't know that this is the way I feel about you. But I wish you did, I really want you to, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if you knew; Are our feelings mutual? What would happen to our friendship if it isn't? What would you think? What would you feel? The list goes on, dragging me farther away from the idea of showing you how I feel.

I'm frustrated and confused. I try to pull away from you but your actions and words constantly pull me back. I try to push you away, thinking you aren't the one but I can't seem to find anyone else who makes me feel this way. I can't help it, it's the way I feel. Your actions speak the loudest to me, please use them carefully and don't break my heart. It's all you that can make me feel this way. I hope that I can either pull free from you or actually get into your heart. We'll see how it goes, but as of now, it's all you in my mind and heart. k3

True Feelings; Revealed. k3

...I like you, a lot. I can't help it, it's just the way I feel. I know our feelings are not mutual, but there's also that voice in my heart that says we can. When I'm with you, I can't breathe, can't think. You're always on my mind, always wishing you were mine. I know it would never happen, you and me together, but I can't seem to get you out of my head. I wish I could, I wish I would, but I can't seem to just let you go. My heart can only wait for so long. It thinks you are the one, but your heart obviously doesn't see me that way. All I can do is hope and wait for my heart to give up and finally let you go because I'm tired of waiting and hoping. I want to give up and let you go. But I can't, I can't change the way I feel about you. k3